Handling Difficult Conversations: An essential leadership competence

A leader’s ability to successfully conduct difficult conversations in the work place can make the difference between success and failure – both for the leader and the organization. Not being fully equipped to deal with difficult situations related to your subordinates, peers, or superiors can be seriously career limiting.

A difficult conversation typically suggests that one party has to deliver news that is potentially unwelcome to the other. It is discomforting, can erode the listener’s sense of worth and in the Asian context result in loss of face. It can be something as simple as telling your subordinate that the presentation he/she just made was not up to the mark, or a more serious situation where someone on your team who has worked with you for over 10 years has to be made redundant.

Be prepared: Irrespective of the situation it always pays to be prepared for a difficult conversation. Think through all the possible defenses, denials, and counter accusations the individual can react with when faced with what they assume is an unfair assessment of the situation. Knowing all the facts and the social style of the person you are interacting with will help you deal with them effectively. You cannot predict the reaction entirely, but you can anticipate them and be emotionally ready. Setting very specific and pragmatic goals for the conversation will help you measure your success.

Establish the situation: Explain the facts that clearly establish the situation. There is no point beating around the bush. This has to be done in a very factual manner as an uninvolved observer would and where both parties can collaborate on its accuracy. The entire approach has to be non judgmental and must demonstrate the value of having the conversation in spite of the obvious risk associated with it. The objective is to collaborate towards finding a mutually acceptable solution to an existing problem.

Listen well: Not only to what the person is saying but what he/she is feeling. To create clarity and to let people know you’re genuinely listening, summarize what they’re telling you — and ask them to do the same. In fact listen to their version of the story first before sharing yours, and always demonstrate you are genuinely interested in hearing their version. More often than not difficult conversations are emotional and you need to get a good appreciation of the underlying issues that drive the emotions. Is it that the individual resents the possibility of being viewed as incompetent, or is it something to do with his/her own assessment of self-worth in relation to core values, or the deep desire to have the approval of management/colleagues?

Demonstrate Empathy: A leader most of all is able to put him\herself in the other person’s shoes and understand both the thoughts and the associated feelings in a very sincere and selfless way. Showing that empathy, that understanding, will lead to the development of mutual trust allowing individuals to open up their mind and heart and derive all the possible benefits to help move them towards their goals.

Create Positive Energy: Every difficult conversation leads to changes in behaviors. Leaders create a sense of optimism that is essential to move people towards action. Positive energy is created by positive talk that works both on the conscious and subconscious level. A good leader enthuses and infuses people with positive energy so they look forward to the behavior changes that they will need to make and the actions they are going to take to achieve their goals.

Reframe Perspectives: Either your world is perfect or it isn’t; it all depends on your perspective, the way you look at things. Everything will work out in the end, it always does. Help the individual reframe perspective or get him/her to look at things differently. By reframing the person’s emotional and judgmental perspectives into more observationally neutral characterizations, you can defuse the emotion-laden situation and help him/her step back and re-examine it in a new light.

Shifting or reframing your perspective from one of imperfection to one that sees possibilities for perfection requires a great deal of experience and skill which is what a good leader will be able to achieve. Can the situation be better than this? Sure it can. We just need to think differently.

Build Trust: Every difficult conversation is an opportunity to enhance trust. Imperfections are the breeding ground for doubt. Doubts block the development of trust. The key to trust is perfection. To trust is to liberate your-self from limitations. As a leader you need to help open the individual’s mind to see possibilities, to get “out of the self imposed limitation” and perceive solutions. It may be a stretch to trust the fact that whatever you have perceived to be negative can in fact be positive, so it is the leader’s credibility (words), reliability (actions) and likeability (emotions) which will make it possible.

Change Behavior: You cant change people, you can only change their behavior. A leader is a catalyst for change. Change starts with self awareness. The leader helps you understand yourself better – your strengths and weakness, what works well and what does not in relation to the difficult situation. This is a huge step forward in your journey towards success. Once the awareness is achieved, it shapes your perception and changes your attitude towards yourself, your colleagues, and the business itself. Once an attitudinal shift happens, it invariably results in changes in behavior that makes it then possible for you to commit to action.

Commit to Action: Every difficult conversation must lead to action. The leader has to ensure that the actions are a way to achieve goals. But the action has to have intent – not just activity but focused on moving the individual towards set goals. People cannot and will not commit to action without clarity of thought. Clear thinking is required to generate momentum – which is what the leader provides through the process of the difficult conversation which drives the commitment to action.

Create Structure: Structure is the process of creating boundaries and standards around what is being done. It is important because it creates a pattern to follow and allows others around to know what is expected within that structure. Leaders know that without a structure your people lapse into behaviors that are inconsistent with set goals.

Every difficult conversation is an opportunity for leaders to change the way their people think. They will help you think the right thoughts, and ensure that your clear thinking will become visible through your actions- driven by your behaviors which will produce the desired outcomes.

Article by Pratap Nambiar, the Executive in Residence @ NUS Business School, and CEO of Thought Perfect Pte Ltd a performance coaching organization that helps C level executives maximize their performance potential. Contact us to find out more.